Hope Family Services, Inc

Whenever a person loses or is separated from someone or something, they can go through a grieving process. The depth and duration of the grief depend upon the nature and significance of the loss. The loss of, or separation from a parent can be much more significant than that of a friend or pet. It is believed a person can become stuck in any of the stages until she or he has worked through it. Therefore, recognizing the individual stages is important. Allow or give permission for the person to be in, and work through each stage of grief. Below is a list of the stages of grief. The examples refer to a newly placed foster child, but for the most part, all individuals (adults and children) need to go through this process.

 

 

 

1) Shock and disbelief:

Here, the child tends to isolate his/her reality from his/her true feelings. The child will be compliant and cooperative. This is known as the honeymoon period for foster children.

A point off to the side, but very relevant, is that when a foster child comes into your home, you need to help them create what it is they are going to say about themselves in the society at large: to their teacher, friends, other students, relatives, etc.

 

 

 

2) Anger:

While this stage can be frustrating and challenging, working through this part of the grief process is necessary for the child. It is important to note that the child will usually become angry with a person she or he can trust. Therefore, the parents need to let the child develop trust with them, so the child can express his/her anger. A parent can feel good when the child can express anger toward them, because the child is feeling safe and trusting the parent. The child needs to know that being angry is ok, but the parent needs to help him/her learn how to be angry appropriately.

It could be useful to make a list (or have the child make the list) of three or more ways to express anger in a safe way which are acceptable to you. Some ideas might be, time out, tear or shred a news paper, hammer nails into a board, hit a pillow, etc. To prepare for the anger stage, have the child practice those ways of being angry when he or she are not angry, ideally during the first stage of Shock and Disbelief (when he or she first come into your home). This will help him or her to build these methods into their normal habits.

It is extremely important that the child is allowed to express this anger. If she or he is not able to do so, she or he will find alternative ways to express the anger. Some examples of alternative expressions of anger are: destruction to property, self abuse, or unable to control his or her body functions, such as pooping their pants. The child's anger will be directed at the parent even though the child is angry with someone else.

In the eyes of the child, his/her parents (or the person or thing lost) will become saints (or have super good qualities). When the child expresses these feelings, it could make the parent feel angry. If the parent does become angry, she or he needs to express the anger to someone else other than to the child. Tell a friend or someone you can trust about your feelings. Never ask the foster child to choose you over his/her own parent.

 

 

 

3) Bargaining:

Here, the child tries to get back what they have lost. Try to remember that when the foster child was placed in your home, she or he lost everything she or he ever owned and knew. So, to get what was lost back, she or he may recant his or her story (in situations of abusive) or create fantasies about his or her biological parents. At this stage, the foster parents are at risk of becoming righteous and indignant, insisting the child look at the reality of his/her situation. It is best to not try and get the foster child to say she or he is lying, but help him or her through exploring the stories she or he is telling, letting him or her discover the falseness of the stories on his or her own.

 

 

 

4) Depression:

The foster parent needs to allow the child to experience the sadness that goes with this stage. Help the child to identify what sadness is. The parent should not try to cheer the child up, but teach him or her how to be sad. When we try to take away a person's feelings, we are creating mental disturbance. The child needs to learn how to have these feelings and how to take care of them.

If you become concerned that a child has become suicidal, have him/her evaluated by a professional immediately. Some symptoms may show the child is contemplating suicide. Again, the presence of these symptoms does not necessarily indicate the child is suicidal. Nevertheless, if you have any concern at all, having the child evaluated by a qualified therapist is always best.

There are many symptoms of suicide. One symptom of being suicidal is that the child gets very accident prone. Another symptom is the child does not enjoy normal activities anymore. Look at the child's drawings. Suicidal depression usually lasts for several days to weeks. Normal depression is cyclic with depression for a few hours and then another emotion for a few hours. Don't be afraid to ask the child if he or she is suicidal. If he or she is, he or she will probably be glad that someone noticed.

 

 

 

5) Acceptance:

Here the child begins to accept his/her situation. The parent can help the child to accept the reality of the relationship with the person from whom she or he has been separated. Again, never condemn the child's parent in front of the child. Let the child come to these conclusions themselves.

 

 

 

A child may go through these stages several times during placement. Of particular note, one of the times can be triggered by an anniversary date of a significant event or a holiday such as Christmas or a birthday. When a foster child comes back from a home visit and misbehaves, this is a positive sign that the child is learning the reality of their parents and does not necessarily indicate the family visitations are harmful for him/her.